Yellow Falcon
Ta-da!!!! I’m so excited to share my favorite piece I’ve made of late: the Yellow Falcon. This was a 100% personal piece, with no end goal or purpose in mind. I just wanted to create something beautiful for myself. Personally, I think I succeeded in that goal—not to toot my own horn or anything. (No, totally for that; I’m insanely proud of this piece.)
I started in with the bright yellow as an underpainting, then sketched out the rough shape of the bird with toothpicks and a peach-ish color paint. You can still see the sketch a little bit around the left wing and the feet, actually!
Starting out, I actually had planned on making this solely in paint, as kind of a material study. I SUCK at painting right now. I’m… okay… with watercolor, but acrylic continues to elude me. It’s kind of embarrassing actually. Someday I do actually want to learn to paint for real, but as of right now i’ll keep struggling along with my Posca Paint markers.
My initial sketch
Anyway, I laid in most of the main colors with paint, and blocked in the shadows and basic shapes. It was actually going quite well, until I stepped away from it to let the first coat dry. I came back about an hour later and realized I had no idea what to do next. Major overthinking, stress about “ruining” the work I had already done, and a total lack of training stared me right in the face. If I could be in that moment again, I think I’d just wing it (no pun intended, really) and figure it out on my own, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.
I’m ashamed to say that this piece actually remained a messy, skeletal draft for THREE WEEKS. I had given up. Usually when my unfinished works sit for that long, it’s a pretty good indication that I will never finish them. The Yellow Bird-Shaped-Blob seemed pretty much done for, AND YET-
One morning, I walked into my studio and decided that I was sick of looking at the unfinished painting. I grabbed some old wallpaper samples that randomly appeared on my desk (as things so often do in the Dullaghan Household) and started cutting out feathers and gluing them on. I no longer cared about ruining the piece. It was all about experimentation and joy. I chose colors that seemed unexpected, shapes that didn’t fit, and materials that were far, far off from what I had originally set out to use. It was fun! I raided my mom’s collage paper dresser and acrylic collection (she has all the good paints) and built up this “painting” until lunchtime. I thought it was done. I was happy with how it was looking. It was different than anything I had made before, and yet it still looked like my work.
All that blue in there is cut paper made from india ink on tracing paper!
But after an hour or so, I returned to the piece and decided that it could be even better. So, of course, I turned to my trusty colored pencils! Before the pencils, none of those darker stripes or lighter outlines would be in the wings, none of this (lovely if I do say so myself) detail would be there.
And yet I still was not done! As the final touch, I took my X-Acto knife and scraped away some of the top layer of pencil and acrylic pigment, giving the whole piece even more tiny details, imparting an older, more sophisticated vibe to the work. Here’s a close up example:
See, right there in the blue of his face and around his leftmost foot?
I am so, so proud of this piece. I never expected it to go from an unfinished mess to one of my favorites, but art tends to surprise you! I feel like this work is a real keystone piece for my portfolio.
I think I grew as an artist while working on it:
I stepped out of my comfort zone with materials,
I attempted (if not succeeded) to do a painting, and
I incorporated a good mix between realism (which I struggle with) and artistic license.
I’ve had some disappointing feedback on this piece, but after some intense reflection, I think that as long as I’m proud of the work and happy with where it landed, that matters more.
That said, I do so enjoy hearing if my art inspired someone or spoke to them in some way.
Brains are weird. I make art for myself, because I love it… and I know that. But, at the same time, the five year old inside me loves praise, and is deeply affected by people’s words and opinions.
But also, wanting that praise feels shallow and gives me insane imposter syndrome.
But also also I really do make art because it makes me happy, which should be all that matters. Then again, hearing something good about the work that I’ve put my heart and soul into is so nice… even if getting its counterpart in the form of negative feedback or not-so-constructive criticism does sometimes feel like getting slugged in the knees with a baseball bat.
But also also also, enjoying or seeking that makes me feel guilty for not being a completely uncaring, self-reliant badass artist. Good grief!
Wow, sorry for all those “but also”s! That was an emotional rollercoaster! The point is, art is extremely subjective, and no matter how amazing your work is, you’re never going to make everyone happy. The main thing that matters is if you’re happy with your work. Art is so many things. Subjective is one, extremely personal is another, but really it’s what you make of it.
Anyhoo, sorry for ambushing you with a bunch of real talk when you probably just expected a nice little post about a bird drawing! Stuff gets messy, and expressing that mess and my feelings and opinions on it is difficult. It’s a personal journey that will take a lot of time to fully understand, if that’s even possible.
Thank you for reading my little slice of existentialism today! I appreciate you!